My Beautiful Mess

I felt it coming last Monday when the air-conditioning-fix-it man quoted us how much it would cost to fix our a/c. It started with that figure and quickly oozed its way through out my being. It reminded me how hard we have been working at getting rid of our credit card debt and how paying for this repair would bring our debt amount close to where it originally was. It reminded me how I want to take the kids on a vacation and how we probably won’t be able to do a big trip yet again. It reminded me that I want a bigger house and how far into the future that will likely be.

It is my “demon” of “I will never have enough.”

It has haunted me most of my adult life. While I have experienced freedom in other areas of my life over the years, this is one area that my spiritual enemy seems to win at constantly…a lot. I quickly decide that, though God has provided for us over and over again, I just don’t have enough. And I say things like “I guess we are just one of those families that will never have much money.” Or like I told a friend on Saturday, “I just get so tired of worry about finances.” I let expenses like fixing the a/c quickly cloud over ways God has blessed us…a lot.

Fortunately, He is helping me become aware of my negative thought patterns more quickly than I have in my past. He isn’t allowing me to wallow in the muck and the mire as long because I am sure He is sick of it - and so am I, for that matter! So my pity-party began to disintegrate on Saturday - with a Disney movie, of all things! Our family went to see “Up” (at the cheap matinee at Tinseltown, btw!). I highly recommend it. Without giving too much away, the movie basically speaks about things being just things, and about how sometimes you have to let go of certain things to form a new way of life and new relationships.

Sunday community at Skyline basically continued to seep this theme into my being. We are working through the book of Luke. The message was on the temptation of Jesus and then looking at what the enemy uses to tempt each of us. Good grief! Really, God??? I was just settling in with a cold drink and my own balloon here at my precious pity-party and you come along pop it! The worship leader told a story - which I don’t remember all of the details - about how 2 friends where on a third friend’s yacht. And one of them says to the other, “Can you imagine having this much money?” The other friend replies. “No, but I have something he will never have…enough.”

“So, my dear children, don’t let anyone divert you from the truth. It’s the person who acts right who is right, just as we see it lived out in our righteous Messiah. Those who make a practice of sin are straight from the Devil, the pioneer in the practice of sin. The Son of God entered the scene to abolish the Devil’s ways.”
1 John 3:7-8 from The Message

So enough is enough!

I have more than enough.

“My grace is enough; it’s all you need.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

This day started with this:
“This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

Somewhere in the middle, came this:

“Love other people as well as you do yourself. You can’t go wrong when you love others. When you add up everything in the law code, the sum total is love.” Romans 13:8

Also came the understanding that I am who I am for a reason, for His purpose. My passions and giftings are needed. I no longer want to feel bad about that nor do I want to defend it. Doubts still tend to come, but not until recently have I felt the freedom to be completely who I am without regret. I’m sure this sounds like a dramatization but, on this day, for me it is a realization.

A new chapter in my life is on the horizon. A clear picture is not yet available. And sometimes in the waiting comes the doubts. Blessedly, I have people who believe in me. They encourage me to see the possibilities, to believe in my worth. More than that, I have the dawning of the truth that my worth lies in being His creation.

And so on this day, the sun sets with this:

^16-20Because of this decision we don’t evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don’t look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We’re Christ’s representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them. We’re speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he’s already a friend with you. (1 Corinthians 5, from The Message)

And physically appeared like this:

Sometimes, I come home after facilitating one of my parenting groups at the non-profit where I work (part-time), completely drained. Sometimes it takes all I have to not break down and sob for my clients. Sometimes I do sob for my clients. Sometimes it is hard to merge the goodness I see daily in my own personal life with the darkness my clients see daily in their personal lives. Sometimes I want to shake my clients and scream “What were you thinking???!!” Sometimes they completely amaze me. Sometimes they get it. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes I want to rescue them. Sometimes I want to slap them silly. Sometimes their pain burdens me deeply.

Not everyday do I feel this way….but I do sometimes….

But never do I stop and ask “Why am I doing this kind of work?” Never. I never doubt that I am doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing. This is my part, my part in the work of The Kingdom. Sometimes I don’t feel capable of doing this work, but never do I question why I continue to do it. But sometimes, like tonight, I just want to lay down on my bed and lay their pain down at His feet. Sometimes I intercede in prayer…but at all times, He is there - for me and for them.

I guess it is time to tell some more of Dad’s story…something about the fog and drizzle…and the fact that I am worn out….makes me feel sad today.

It was a weird feeling, waiting for his surgery. On one hand, you want time to hurry up so we can just get “this” over with. On the other hand, if the news is going to be bad, you want time to stop, or to even go backwards. Back to before things felt scary and uncertain. Back to Daddy being healthy.

I talked to Dad every day on the phone - but with Dad, it is hard for him to have emotional conversations. So we talked about other stuff - the kids, the weather, how he was feeling today, etc. He was the only one during this waiting period that did not get on the internet and google “pancreatic cancer.” I think even that would have been too much for him - it was almost too much for the rest of us. Because you read things like “This year, approximately 37,680 Americans will be diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Statistically, 75% of them (28,260 people) will die within a year of their diagnosis. Within five years, only 5% will still be alive – a mere 1,884 people – and most of these will have a recurrence and eventually succumb to the disease.” And then you try to go to sleep. Don’t do things like that, O.K.

I remember that I ran errands one day by myself over that weekend. As I was coming home, the song Something Heavenly, sung by Sanctus Real, played on the radio. I had already loved this song but, that day, I was overcome by The Spirit. I felt again, that God was saying, Hold on, sweetheart, this is going to be rough. Trust that I am at work, that I am truly up to something Heavenly. And that I love you.

By the time I entered the house, I was sobbing. My precious husband looked at me and asked What is wrong? I begged him to promise me that God was up to something Heavenly. Because this feels like total chaos. Promise me that this is something bigger than me. Because otherwise, this ain’t worth it.

I have been on a significant journey for over a month now. I think I am ready to write about some things  - about our story. A story that has been messy yet with moments that are beautiful. I don’t know if anyone will read this - not many read this blog previously - but as usual, I find myself blogging for myself. I have a need for expression. A need for this “digital journal/scrapbook of my life.” But I do hope that if anyone can relate to my story, this would be a place were someone will say to you, “Me too.” Two of the most powerful words in the human language, in my opinion. So I will begin chronicle my story - though I may interrupt it occassionally with the current happenings of life. Because though at times I would like life to just stop so I can process the recent past, it does not - life goes on. And so does this blog…

Today as I interacted with my fellow co-workers at the non-profit where I work, I began to feel a welling up of immense fondness for them all. I see an incredible work of God in that place and it has a lot to do with who is working there now. We are not a Christian agency; the word “Ministry” is no where in our title. But during the two years I have worked there, it has been amazing to watch Him bring people in and out of positions so that now, many Christ-followers are my co-workers. In our small space in downtown OKC, we are filled with folks who are compassionate, encouraging, and filled with grace. It is one of the only places where I have worked where I can say that everyone there is passionate about what they do. They care about their clients, they work hard to support and strengthen the shattered self-worths we daily encounter. They fight for the right of all humans to be treated with dignity.

They inspire me. And I am so grateful.

Getting to “empty” here today. Tired. Brain is on overload. Feeling like I am trying to do too much and be too much to too many people. I need a day off…from life. And I hear Him telling me, “You are doing it all in your strength, aren’t you.” Our relationship lately has been like a great friend you keep seeing as you are coming and going from everything and you keep thinking “Oh, I would love to just sit down and have a cup of coffee with her!”

Searching for something, I just read these words:I suggest that today - as soon as possible - you exercise your freedom in Christ to be still.

My freedom. In Christ. Why do I keep putting the chains back on? The chains of my thinking that tell me the world owes me something - some peace, some stillness - just leave me alone. Evidently, giving of yourself only means coming to the end of yourself…especially when you are not planting yourself by the well of living water. I need some water. And the best thing…part of that freedom also means that I don’t have to clean a dirty cup to get me some….

God, make a fresh start in me,
shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. from Psalm 51 in The Message

As I have alluded to in other posts, we chose to become part of a new church in OKC (OKlahoma City) in February of this year. We first discovered this church from an article in the newspaper. We moved from a church that we had been involved with for 10 years, where we were very tied-in and actively serving. The only way I can describe this “change” is to say it was a total act of obedience. We truly felt God sending us there, not because “wow, we finally found the church” (cuz there ain’t one) or “I felt God more powerfully there” (He ain’t only in one place). But it was a “yes, God, we feel you asking us to be a part of what is going on here,and we choose to follow that lead.”

But in some ways it has been hard. This church relates well to the next generation of believers so needless to say, a majority of them (including our pastor) are younger than us by about 5-10 years and not many of them have children. We also felt like God gifted us with a passion and with experiences that would help develop a children’s minsitry for this church (though again, being some of the only parents there, that may have been a given). Because we are with the kids every other week and because we have been out-of-town for some of the other weeks, last night (yes, we meet on Sunday nights for a corporate gathering) was one of few times recently that we actually got to sit and be a part of this larger gathering and hear our pastor’s message. And again, that first act of obedience to come partner with this new church was re-affirmed. Two “ideas” that had been in my head this past week, Ben (our pastor) discussed: goodness and lonliness.

Three fellow believers first read Genesis 1 from The Message for all of us, where over and over again you hear the words “God saw it was good.” Including His human creation. I think often, as Christians, we’ve been taught more to think of ourselves as “sinners saved by grace” and not actually as good and pure. We are His saints, the representation of Jesus, made in His image to be His light. We are good.

But Ben pointed out that the first mention of something not being good in scriptures occurs at Genesis 2:18:”It is not good for man to be alone.” Lonliness. It is not good. So we were created to be good and to not be alone. Ben spoke to the fact that Jesus knows what it is like to be lonely, that “we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize” with us (Heb. 4:15). We have a Jesus that, when I say I feel lonely, scared, joyful, sorrow, anxiety, etc, He says “Me too.”

I have been feeling lonely lately. And yet I am aware of His goodness. So if you know what I am talking about, to you I say, “Me too.”

Staci McAuley is thirty-nine years old, but more than likely she won’t see her forty-fifth birthday. Her battle with cancer has given her a limited time to live. Even though her days are numbered according to the doctors, she is still living life to the fullest every single moment. Her passion for Christ is contagious. She’ll inspire you to embrace every God-given moment.
Staci’s Story

It has been crazy busy at our house this past week but God did make me sit still long enough to watch this and Thank God I did. This interview was part of a message series called 30 Days To Live at Lifechurch.tv. This was our church home for about 10 years so I have had the great honor of serving and participating in women’s Bible studies with Staci. Let me tell you that even before her battle with cancer, she was an amazing, godly woman. But this interview again solidified the “theme” I wrote about in the past post, “Be Present”. She speaks of being fully present and living NOW. Thank you, Staci, for saying it in such a beautifully pure way! I love it when everyday people (not that anything about Staci is “everyday”) can drive home a truth more profoundly than a professional speaker!