My Beautiful Mess

I felt it coming last Monday when the air-conditioning-fix-it man quoted us how much it would cost to fix our a/c. It started with that figure and quickly oozed its way through out my being. It reminded me how hard we have been working at getting rid of our credit card debt and how paying for this repair would bring our debt amount close to where it originally was. It reminded me how I want to take the kids on a vacation and how we probably won’t be able to do a big trip yet again. It reminded me that I want a bigger house and how far into the future that will likely be.

It is my “demon” of “I will never have enough.”

It has haunted me most of my adult life. While I have experienced freedom in other areas of my life over the years, this is one area that my spiritual enemy seems to win at constantly…a lot. I quickly decide that, though God has provided for us over and over again, I just don’t have enough. And I say things like “I guess we are just one of those families that will never have much money.” Or like I told a friend on Saturday, “I just get so tired of worry about finances.” I let expenses like fixing the a/c quickly cloud over ways God has blessed us…a lot.

Fortunately, He is helping me become aware of my negative thought patterns more quickly than I have in my past. He isn’t allowing me to wallow in the muck and the mire as long because I am sure He is sick of it - and so am I, for that matter! So my pity-party began to disintegrate on Saturday - with a Disney movie, of all things! Our family went to see “Up” (at the cheap matinee at Tinseltown, btw!). I highly recommend it. Without giving too much away, the movie basically speaks about things being just things, and about how sometimes you have to let go of certain things to form a new way of life and new relationships.

Sunday community at Skyline basically continued to seep this theme into my being. We are working through the book of Luke. The message was on the temptation of Jesus and then looking at what the enemy uses to tempt each of us. Good grief! Really, God??? I was just settling in with a cold drink and my own balloon here at my precious pity-party and you come along pop it! The worship leader told a story - which I don’t remember all of the details - about how 2 friends where on a third friend’s yacht. And one of them says to the other, “Can you imagine having this much money?” The other friend replies. “No, but I have something he will never have…enough.”

“So, my dear children, don’t let anyone divert you from the truth. It’s the person who acts right who is right, just as we see it lived out in our righteous Messiah. Those who make a practice of sin are straight from the Devil, the pioneer in the practice of sin. The Son of God entered the scene to abolish the Devil’s ways.”
1 John 3:7-8 from The Message

So enough is enough!

I have more than enough.

“My grace is enough; it’s all you need.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

I told my husband today that sometime I can’t believe I am actually a mom but that most times I can’t imagine NOT being a mom. My “momminess” is tied to most everything I do - the laundry, the grocery shopping, the cooking, the packing lunches, the volunteer hours at the school, the practices and games, the wii I play, where we go out to eat, what time I get to bed, what errands I will run today, how much house cleaning I will accomplish, my conversations with friends and family, the photos I take, how many hours to work, where we live so we can be in a good school district, the things I pray about, the things I search scripture for, the friends I have, the birthday party planning….all of these are tied to my role of “Mom”.

But oh-for-the-love-of-all-that-is-my-life, I would NOT ever, ever, EVER trade it. People have tried over and over to put into words the feelings that come with motherhood - but you just can’t. How do you explain why tears come to your eyes when you are just watching them play? How do you express the anxiety of them being out of your care for even a minute? How do you tell them that if you did not have them, you would not be whole?

This journey of motherhood is a gift. A gift that just keeps on giving. May I encourage all moms to not loose sight of that. Even when you are more than tired, even when you want to scratch out your eyeballs in frustration, even when you wish that you could ship them to Grandma’s house…it is all worth it, so very WORTH it.

We had an amazing service at our church this morning. It began with the older kids leading us in worship and ended with all kids, ages 3 and up, singing about how deep and wide and high is the love of Christ…and the love of moms.

But instead of a pastor giving the “message” today, it was 3 moms/grandmas who gave us the message. The things I took away from what they had to say was to not make your kids be you, let them be all that God created them to be and, from time-to-time, enter into their world (this is why I play wii!). And surround yourself with people that will pray for you and your family. Be in a ladies Bible study (something I really need to do again). God knew what kind of mom your kids needed and He picked you. So stop expecting so much from yourself. What your kids need is YOU.

So today may you say with great pride, I am a Mom. Happy Mother’s Day!

The Boys are playing basketball this year for the first time and all of us are really enjoying it. Having a professional basketball team in Oklahoma City now makes it even more fun! Last Friday was YMCA Basketball Day at the Ford Center where the Thunder play. The YMCA team my youngest plays on got to go play basketball on the Thunder court!! Well actually, our sweet coach told us we where going to meet the players! But, bless her, the players where not ever suppose to be there…we just had the opportunity to play on the court, which was still rather cool. Ryan is the unofficial assistant coach so he got hang out down there too while I cheered them on and took pics….

So as we tried to get over the major disappointment of not meeting the team (and after Ryan took off from work and we pulled my oldest from school!), we took a trolley ride through dowtown OKC, went to eat lunch, and later went to the Thunder game.

It was so fun to watch my boys take all of this in. My youngest is very noise-sensitive. The only way we were able to talk him in to going was to buy him “ear muffs”. He wore them the entire game…

We had a blast chanting “De-fense” and clapping our hands when “Everybody Clap Your Hands” played and wiggling Thunder sticks during the second half. We were awe-struck by the size of Yao Ming (we played the Houston Rockets), fascinated by the juggler at half-time, and saddened by yet another loss for the Thunder. Being basketball fans ourselves, my hubs and I are so excited to share these moments with The Boys! I think it is safe to say, four ThunderHeads live under this roof! Though some of my favorite b-ball stars will always be these guys (try to not be too saddened by Little Man’s reaction at the end…and listen for my “oops” reaction )…

Shootin’ Hoops on the Thunder Court from Jennifer Marshall on Vimeo.

Yesterday I blogged about ignoring God’s warning signs when they are clearly given to us and instead just doing what we want to do even though we know we shouldn’t- I think theologically speaking, we could call those the “sins of commission”. Then there are the “sins of ommission”, knowing what you need to do to be obedient to God and yet deliberatly choosing not to do them. So…not to make my excercise routine all “spurchul” on ya (that is Okie for “spiritual”), but I had another thought during my Core Secrets workout this morning.

When the excercise-teaching-man on the DVD is telling me how to do some of the exercises, he often warns against “co-contracting”, meaning to watch out for gripping the weights too hard or not keeping your shoulders relaxed etc. He says we get “tempted to co-contract because it is our body’s anticipation of pain.” Interesting…because I think, at times when God is asking me to take a risk, make a change, surrender more of myself, I believe I tend to “co-contract”, anticipating the pain I will feel in having to sacrifice even more. Poor me!

We live in a society that is not comfortable with pain. Doctors can prescribe a great variety of meds to keep us from feeling pain. And what do we think is going on with all of the drug and alcohol abuse, divorce, pornagraphy, etc we are seeing today? People trying to not feel pain. Even as Christians, we may want to give only if it doesn’t stretch the budget, serve only if I can be home in time for the game, particpate until someone notices me and, oh my gosh, might ask me to do something that would be such an inconvenience.

But if I could learn, as the really-in-great-shape-teaching-man adivses me to do, relax and breath, I might not do that co-contracting thing. I might learn how to breath in the breath that gives life (Gen. 2:7), allow it to bring me a peace that transcends all understanding (Phil. 4:7), and walk in faith (3 John 1:3). Knowing that I can trust my Teacher to teach me how to do this exercise called life with an end result of a really strong Body, of which I am a critical part. If I don’t learn how to exercise this part, then the Body won’t function as well as it could.

From 1 Corinthians 12:
27Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. 28And in the church God has appointed first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then workers of miracles, also those having gifts of healing, those able to help others, those with gifts of administration, and those speaking in different kinds of tongues. 29Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? 30Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues[d]? Do all interpret? 31But eagerly desire[e] the greater gifts.
And now I will show you the most excellent way.

Forget the pain! He promised we would have it anyway, didn’t he (John 15:18-20)? I want to learn how to live in the most excellent way! Don’t you?

Since school started, I have been getting up at 6:00 a.m. to either walk or work out with a DVD in my living room (gym membership doesn’t fit in the budget right now!). Since I am not actually awake until about the time I start walking down the drive way, I opened the garage door this morning and found that it had rained and may possibly start doing so again soon. I even saw some lightening in the distance. But I thought, “I’m dressed and ready to go - looks like it may move north - let’s go.”

About 10 minutes into the walk, the lightening and very loud thunder appeared to be getting closer and yet I continued. Then it started to sprinkle, and I thought, “Well, let’s see if it gets harder”, and I press on. Well, of course it soon started coming down harder so only then did I decide to head home. But by the time I reached the house, it seemed like it was stopping, so I changed direction and went on because I really needed to get at least 35 minutes of walking in. Of course the rain came back, and I had to laugh at myself and began writing this post in my head!

God gave me obvious warning signs of rain from the moment I left the house but I chose to ignore them, feeling the need to do what I had in my head I needed to do. How many times do we do that in all kinds of areas of our lives? God gives us all kinds of warning signs, saying “Stop. Change direction. This is not going to be good.” But we pay attention only to what we want to do and we press on, ignoring the warning signs, the thunder and lightening that are clear indications of a storm up ahead. We end up getting soaked, washed out. We have the opportunity to heed the warnings and make a wise decision, but we press on, making the unwise choice, selfishly ignoring His voice.

From James 3
13Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. 14But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. 15Such “wisdom” does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. 16For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. 17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.

What warning signs have you ignored? How did God use that to humble you and make you wise?

In case you are thinking how stupid I was to be walking outside with lightening around…I know, I know. My husband already gave me a good talkin’ to, and yet…doesn’t it just drive my point home even more? I mean, not only did I ignore warning sings of rain but I ignored the danger I was putting myself in! My self-ambition equaled doubled chances to make me humble! Anything for you, God.

Well, life has been in full swing around my home. My husband surprised me with a wonderful 10 year anniversary weekend this past weekend at a local B&B in a great historic mansion near downtown. He even took me to a shop called The French Cowgirl and to see the movie Hairspray -and he enjoyed both! Though I am sure he would hate to admit it! But he is a keeper, let me tell ya!

Then I have been trying to cram the last bit of summer into the beginning of the week because…..my eldest started kindergarten today yesterday! Yesterday On Tuesday, we went to the “dinosaur museum” and had a picnic and playtime at a great park nearby the museum. I LOVED that time with the boys! So much fun enjoying time together, not needing to be anywhere at any certain time, doing what we felt like we wanted to do next.

But today starts a new “season” for us - Fall tends to be the busiest time of year for us and yet my most favorite. I tend to see themes develop in my life at times, and the theme of this upcoming season appears to be shaping up as “Be present.” Our new church has been talking a lot about being the church rather than just doing church. And this Sunday, the message (which was brought to us not only by our pastor but by 3 fellow believers) spoke about being fully present in the today that you have. You can read more in a blog post here, but this thought really resignated with some things God has been speaking to my heart lately.

I have a tendency - well, probably “tendency” is too light of a word - I have a hang-up about being organized. I am a list maker, a planner, a schedule maker, I love calendars. I think that is why days like yesterday Tuesday with the boys becomes such a treasure for me. I was not thinking ahead, I was just being with them, watching them explore and enjoy and learn. I didn’t have to think very hard, and I didn’t have to be anything or do anything I didn’t want to be or do.

And so I’ve been thinking, perhaps God wants us to approach all days like that. I’m not saying throw the schedule out and do what you please (that would completely do me in!) but what if we actually enjoyed the day, being present with all that each day has to offer. The opportunities that God gives us to love and laugh and learn and live! To incorporate all that has been and all that will be and make it a part of how we live out today. Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life and have it to the full” (John 10:10).

But do we have joy in the days of this life? Not just when something good happens or if it is a day of a celebration or if it is all about me. Am I living a full life? Not just filling it up for the sole purpose of it being full. But participating in all that God has planned for me this day. That’s what I want to do. So my “be present” practice starts now….how ’bout you?

Yesterday, my husband and I celebrated 10 years of marriage! Well, actually we are going to celebrate this weekend - my husband has “secret plans” for us while my boys go to Gamma and Buddy’s. But as I was thinking about our 10 years and how proud I was of this, I began thinking about what has been “the key” to our marriage - like if someone was to ask us how we make our marriage work, what would I say? Of course the answer is Christ, but what about Christ? With the divorce rate for believers being about the same as non-believers, I don’t feel like I can just say find Jesus and you’ll find a successful marriage.When you look through the scriptures, almost every reference (at least in the new testament) to marriage or husbands or wives or brides or grooms also includes descriptions of Jesus’ relationship to His people, The Church.

21Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.  22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. 

25-28Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. 

When I read this Message version of Ephesians 5 today, it brought tears to my eyes - not only because I have the blessing of a husband who makes efforts to love me this way everyday, but also because Jesus loves me this way, everyday. The day of our wedding, dressed up in a fancy gown, surrounded by beautiful flowers in a beautiful church, I felt very special. And my husband frequently makes efforts to continue to make me feel special. But what if I made that his responsibility all the time? That in order to feel loved, he had to do something to make me feel special? As good as he is, he wouldn’t be able to do it - I would get let down a lot. But it isn’t his job anyway. To rely on anyone to make us feel loved or special or secure is just a set-up for disappointment.

But did you notice this part of the passage above?

His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness.

Whether married or single or divorced or widowed, He has already chosen us as His beautiful bride! But do we really see ourselves like this? As unveiling hope said in a recent post, “It’s time to see our beauty and believe in it. We’re expected to be confident in who we are in Christ.” But yet we walk as defeated, beaten down beggars, desperately searching for someone or something to make us feel lovable, to make us feel better about ourselves. If God, in all of His perfection, likes you – is actually bustin’-at-the-seams-in-love with you – then why don’t we like ourselves?

I think I’ll stop there and see what you have to say (at least see what the 3 of  you who read this have to say!). But I’ve got another thought based on another passage….

It is August in Oklahoma which means it is way too hot! The 7-day forecast has the highs every single day ranging from 99-101, and with our humidity, that means heat index of 105 or so. Did you watch the PGA tournament this weekend that was held in Tulsa? Did you see how hot those golfers were?! And I don’t mean in their physical characteristics or in their playing abilities! They were stinkin’, blazin’ hot! And that is how I feel every time I have to leave my house. I say a daily prayer that the AC doesn’t give out this year! My excuse is I can’t help it, I was born this way - just ask my mom. She will tell you that as a little girl I would have a screaming fit simply because I was hot. If you ask my husband, he will tell you I am still having screaming fits every August!

And then, on Sunday, I got a Holy-Spirit-elbow-in-the-ribs.

My husband and I headed up kids church this weekend (which in our 6-month-old church, is usually attended by our 2 boys, the 2 girls of our pastor and his wife, and maybe 1 0r 2 others). We have a fun curriculum that is about the Israelites exodus from Egypt. This week the lesson focused on how the Israelites whined and complained over and over again, even though God always met their needs. One of our activities was to have the kids cut pictures out of magazines of things for which they are thankful and glue them onto construction paper that said “I am thankful for…” The beautiful, almost-5-year-old daughter of our pastor asked for a yellow piece of paper which she used to cut out a circle and little, skinny strips of paper. She glued these together to make a sun, and then asked me “Would you write I am thankful for the sun on here? Cuz even though the sun makes me hot sometimes, I am still thankful for it.”

Out of the mouths of babes…..