Tag: miscarriage

Motherhood

Mother’s Day After Miscarriage

by Mary Lentz1 Comment on Mother’s Day After Miscarriage

I lost my babies in 2014. Still, Mother’s Day after miscarriage evokes lots of emotions even years later. Allow me to share how I feel when this day rolls around.

MOTHERS DAY AFTER MISCARRIAGE

Hi, friends. Happy Mother’s Day to all you wonderful mamas out there. Today, I wanted to share some thoughts that have been on my heart. Several months ago, I wrote a post entitled 15 Comforting Verses for Miscarriage. Since I wrote it, my inbox and comments have been flooded with heartbreaking stories from mamas and daddies who have lost their babies. My heart breaks for all of you.

I have shared my miscarriage story in the post, Surviving Miscarriage. It was both therapeutic and gut-wrenching to write it. I won’t rehash all the details here. That’s not really what this post is about. Today I wanted to share my thoughts on Mother’s Day after miscarriage. Mother’s Day can be a very painful reminder of your infant loss if you are grieving. I want to give you hope that even though it is painful in the beginning, your grief will one day turn into acceptance and possibly even hope.

A Sobering Thought

It is a sobering thought to consider that half my children are in heaven. I have two beautiful boys and I am deeply in love with them. They are beautiful, bright souls. They are perfect in every way and I love them more than I could have ever imagined. But my first two babies are in heaven. Half my children aren’t here and even now, I miss the loves I never got to meet.

Before I had two miscarriages, I was really ignorant about the pain and grief that a mother felt. I realize how obtuse that was, but I don’t know that you can understand the very special grief that comes along with having both life and death inside of you. Both my miscarriages were back to back, which really compounded the pain and hopelessness. I was also very unprepared that much of my grief would be centered around self-blame.

As a mother, it is your instinct to protect your child and when you miscarry or your child is stillborn you spend a great deal of time wondering if you could have done something differently. You find yourself blame-shifting between the glass of wine you had before you knew you were pregnant or the exercise you did. Did I eat something wrong? Is something wrong with me? Grief plays terrible tricks on your conscience. Mama, if you are in this stage of grief, let me assure you, you did nothing wrong. Miscarriage is way more common than you think and often there are no answers.

Mother’s Day After Miscarriage

After my second miscarriage, I quickly became pregnant with my oldest living son Jack. While I was pregnant, just a month before I gave birth, Mother’s Day passed. I was honestly very surprised by my feelings. Even though I was about to give birth, I was still very grieved over my two babies. Mother’s Day was a painful reminder of what had happened the year prior. I ached to hold my babies. I longed to see their faces and hear their cries. It is the pain only a mother can understand.

I did not fully enjoy my pregnancy with Jack because I was so scared and worried about losing him. My point is that even the anticipation of another child did not dull my grief. Even if you have other children later, there is no replacement for the one you lost. It’s okay joyful at your next child and still grieve the one you lost.

What I was most surprised about was the years that followed. Even with my two boys, I can still say that Mother’s Days brings bittersweet feelings. Yes, I am so thrilled to be the mama of my beautiful boys. But there is also a part of my heart that grieves, even now years later. Of course, I don’t just think about my loves on Mother’s Day. I think about them all the time. I wonder what they would have looked like. What kind of personalities they would have had.

Hope for the Future

I’m convinced now, that those feelings will never go away. I’ve made my peace with the fact that the babies I lost are just as much a part of my heart as my two living children. I have arrived at this place of acceptance. Mama, if you have lost a child either by miscarriage or stillbirth, let me say that reminders are everywhere. Your due date, your miscarriage date, Mother’s Day, Christmas, they all sting those first few years.

But this is also where I would tell you that one day, it won’t hurt like this. Those first few years are really hard and the one thing that helped me get though my grief wasn’t any comfort friends and family gave me, but the comfort I found in the promises of God. Growing closer to Christ, assuaged my grief and gave me hope, that I will eventually meet my babies.

Please, take heart, mama. If you are struggling with grief, I urge you to stay in the Word of God. I’ve learned that the devil isn’t above kicking you when you are down. He will absolutely try to blame shift towards God. He will make you question the goodness of God, but by staying in the Word, you will see, he lies. Remember, that our God is compassionate and sympathetic. I’m going to close with one of the most comforting verses that helped me.

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

Psalm 56:8

I’d Love to Pray for You

If you would like me to pray for you, you can leave a comment or if you would like your request to remain private, you can use the contact me page. Please know that I really do pray for you and I continue praying for you. You are not alone in your grief. Also, if your grief is turning into resentment or bitterness, I really urge you to visit with a trusted Christian counselor, pastor, or elder of the church. There is no shame in receiving help to work through your grief.

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Motherhood

Surviving Miscarriage

by Mary Lentz3 Comments on Surviving Miscarriage

The feelings after surviving miscarriage are complex, but you aren’t alone mama. Surviving miscarriage is hard and I want you to know there is hope.

Surviving Miscarriage

Our Story

I was late. You see, I spent most of my 20’s as a doormat for meat-heads, young doctors and yes, even professional athletes. I dated sorry excuses for men. I didn’t believe men like my husband existed. In fact, it took nearly three years for us to get together and I did the asking. Although we had a whirlwind romance, by the time we married I was in my early thirties. Like many couples, we wanted at least one year together as a newly married couple. So at age 34, we began trying to start our little family.

We didn’t have to try long! I had stopped taking my birth control pill and didn’t even have one cycle. My expected period came and went. I recall laying in bed with my husband gleefully wondering if we had indeed become pregnant. After waiting a few days, I took a pregnancy test and nervously waited for those lines to appear. And appear they did! We were pregnant! That Sunday morning, my husband was still asleep before church. I woke him up, with that gross little pee stick behind my back. I could barely contain myself. It took him a moment, but he jumped out of bed. We were so happy.

You see, I almost couldn’t have children. A tumor and a pre-cancer scare left me minus one ovary. I had no idea if it would affect my ability to conceive. So when we got pregnant almost immediately, we felt like prayers had been answered.

Sharing the Good News

We immediately told our families, who were equally thrilled. We were so excited to announce it to the world. A few weeks later, I had the pregnancy confirmed by a doctor. Initially, I felt the early pregnancy symptoms: breast tenderness, nausea, etc. We immediately began planning.

Then a few weeks later, we went to my OB/GYN. I was about at week 9. As the doctor completed the vaginal sonogram, her silence told me something was wrong. We had lost the heartbeat. I tried to listen to her as she spoke to me, but the overwhelming feeling of grief and disappointment washed over me like an ocean. She explained, I could let the miscarriage occur naturally or I could under go a D&C. Honestly, the D&C sounded too akin to an abortion. I opted to go naturally. I went home and sobbed into a pillow.

Experiencing Miscarriage

Over the following weeks, the pregnancy symptoms faded away one by one. It was incredibly painful to experience. I didn’t know how painful miscarriage is. Nor did I understand the range of emotions I would feel.

We had planned a trip to Arizona to visit family and friends. Once there, I sobbed to my husband’s aunt, who told me of her own miscarriage some 40 years before. She insisted that despite having 5 live children, her thoughts still go back to the one she lost. She also encouraged me to name our baby so we didn’t refer to him or her as “the one we lost.” So after prayer, we named our baby “Gabriel (after the angel messenger) “Emmanuel (God is with us).

miscarriage fact

When we returned from our trip, I was 12 weeks into my pregnancy and still had not begun to miscarry. That is until one weekday afternoon around 3 pm. I felt the pain first. Then the contractions started and they increased in frequency and pain much like childbirth. I began to pass blood and tissue. I laid there on the bed weeping, moaning, and screaming into a pillow. My husband eventually came home and held me as it continued. We wept bitterly.

Grieving Miscarriage

Surviving Miscarriage includes the 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I absolutely went through all of them. The only way to get through denial is look at death square in the face. That’s why we have funerals. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. It allows us time to process grief. We need to see with our own eyes, they are no longer with us. That’s why I personally chose to go through miscarriage naturally. Even if you choose not to do that, you’ll find your way to “face it” because sadly, we can’t escape death.

Surprisingly, I felt angry at God. I was surprised to feel that way, but I did. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. Later, I had anger at myself, which immediately moved me into the bargaining stage. This stage includes thoughts like “if only” and might even include asking God to bring them back in exchange for a promise on your part. The bargaining stage includes lots of self-blame. I wondered if I had worked too many hours or exercised too hard. Was it that glass of wine I had before I knew I was pregnant? Did I contribute to the death of my child? I felt like it was my fault. I felt like I had let my husband and our families down. It’s these thoughts that lead you down a dark road.

Dark Thoughts

Depression hit me before I knew it. I no longer felt like a woman. What good was I if I couldn’t bear a child? Those thoughts seem extreme now, but my fatalistic thoughts seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. One time I broke down at bedtime. My husband asked why I was crying. “My child died alone in the dark. He didn’t even know his mommy was right there with him.” Now I know how silly that sounds. The fetus had no conscious thoughts yet, but that’s how badly grief terrorizes you. It’s confusing, overwhelming and it comes in waves. Like the ebb and flow of an ocean – one day you are good, the next day you aren’t.

miscarriage fact

We agreed to start trying again. We immediately got pregnant a second time. A few weeks into the pregnancy, I miscarried again. I was utterly devastated. It was hard to bounce back. Only after I started to share my story did I learn many women I knew had also miscarried. They’d dealt with it privately like a dirty little secret.

My husband and I agreed to take a break from trying and that’s when we conceived my oldest living son. I wish I could say, I enjoyed being pregnant, but honestly, I spent it terrified. I was always afraid of losing him. Miscarriage scars you by implanting deep fears. My pregnancies weren’t without complications. My placenta failed with both my sons. Both were born early – but both are amazingly awesome kids now.

Surviving Miscarriage & Restoration

Even though four years have passed, I still think of Gabriel and Daphne. I always will. I conceived them. I carried them. I was there when they died. Don’t let anyone tell you “it doesn’t count” because you lost him or her early in your pregnancy. Don’t let anyone tell you men don’t feel loss with a miscarriage. It is incredibly hurtful to them too. Let him know, he doesn’t need to “be strong” – it’s okay to mourn. Lastly, don’t let anyone tell you it wasn’t a baby. The sound of the heartbeat has always been used to determine who is alive and who is dead. If you’re a Christian, cling to Jesus. Seriously, He helped me out of the pit and restored me (Ps 40:2). Surviving miscarriage is hard, but survive it, you will.

The post, Surviving Miscarriage, first appeared on Forever and Evie

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