I lost my babies in 2014. Still, Mother’s Day after miscarriage evokes lots of emotions even years later. Allow me to share how I feel when this day rolls around.
Hi, friends. Happy Mother’s Day to all you wonderful mamas out there. Today, I wanted to share some thoughts that have been on my heart. Several months ago, I wrote a post entitled 15 Comforting Verses for Miscarriage. Since I wrote it, my inbox and comments have been flooded with heartbreaking stories from mamas and daddies who have lost their babies. My heart breaks for all of you.
I have shared my miscarriage story in the post, Surviving Miscarriage. It was both therapeutic and gut-wrenching to write it. I won’t rehash all the details here. That’s not really what this post is about. Today I wanted to share my thoughts on Mother’s Day after miscarriage. Mother’s Day can be a very painful reminder of your infant loss if you are grieving. I want to give you hope that even though it is painful in the beginning, your grief will one day turn into acceptance and possibly even hope.
A Sobering Thought
It is a sobering thought to consider that half my children are in heaven. I have two beautiful boys and I am deeply in love with them. They are beautiful, bright souls. They are perfect in every way and I love them more than I could have ever imagined. But my first two babies are in heaven. Half my children aren’t here and even now, I miss the loves I never got to meet.
Before I had two miscarriages, I was really ignorant about the pain and grief that a mother felt. I realize how obtuse that was, but I don’t know that you can understand the very special grief that comes along with having both life and death inside of you. Both my miscarriages were back to back, which really compounded the pain and hopelessness. I was also very unprepared that much of my grief would be centered around self-blame.
As a mother, it is your instinct to protect your child and when you miscarry or your child is stillborn you spend a great deal of time wondering if you could have done something differently. You find yourself blame-shifting between the glass of wine you had before you knew you were pregnant or the exercise you did. Did I eat something wrong? Is something wrong with me? Grief plays terrible tricks on your conscience. Mama, if you are in this stage of grief, let me assure you, you did nothing wrong. Miscarriage is way more common than you think and often there are no answers.
Mother’s Day After Miscarriage
After my second miscarriage, I quickly became pregnant with my oldest living son Jack. While I was pregnant, just a month before I gave birth, Mother’s Day passed. I was honestly very surprised by my feelings. Even though I was about to give birth, I was still very grieved over my two babies. Mother’s Day was a painful reminder of what had happened the year prior. I ached to hold my babies. I longed to see their faces and hear their cries. It is the pain only a mother can understand.
I did not fully enjoy my pregnancy with Jack because I was so scared and worried about losing him. My point is that even the anticipation of another child did not dull my grief. Even if you have other children later, there is no replacement for the one you lost. It’s okay joyful at your next child and still grieve the one you lost.
What I was most surprised about was the years that followed. Even with my two boys, I can still say that Mother’s Days brings bittersweet feelings. Yes, I am so thrilled to be the mama of my beautiful boys. But there is also a part of my heart that grieves, even now years later. Of course, I don’t just think about my loves on Mother’s Day. I think about them all the time. I wonder what they would have looked like. What kind of personalities they would have had.
Hope for the Future
I’m convinced now, that those feelings will never go away. I’ve made my peace with the fact that the babies I lost are just as much a part of my heart as my two living children. I have arrived at this place of acceptance. Mama, if you have lost a child either by miscarriage or stillbirth, let me say that reminders are everywhere. Your due date, your miscarriage date, Mother’s Day, Christmas, they all sting those first few years.
But this is also where I would tell you that one day, it won’t hurt like this. Those first few years are really hard and the one thing that helped me get though my grief wasn’t any comfort friends and family gave me, but the comfort I found in the promises of God. Growing closer to Christ, assuaged my grief and gave me hope, that I will eventually meet my babies.
Please, take heart, mama. If you are struggling with grief, I urge you to stay in the Word of God. I’ve learned that the devil isn’t above kicking you when you are down. He will absolutely try to blame shift towards God. He will make you question the goodness of God, but by staying in the Word, you will see, he lies. Remember, that our God is compassionate and sympathetic. I’m going to close with one of the most comforting verses that helped me.
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.
Psalm 56:8
I’d Love to Pray for You
If you would like me to pray for you, you can leave a comment or if you would like your request to remain private, you can use the contact me page. Please know that I really do pray for you and I continue praying for you. You are not alone in your grief. Also, if your grief is turning into resentment or bitterness, I really urge you to visit with a trusted Christian counselor, pastor, or elder of the church. There is no shame in receiving help to work through your grief.