My Beautiful Mess

My dad and I had a conversation last summer, before he ever got sick, during which he informed me that it was his desire to be cremated once he died. Not ever having had to face such an issue before, I felt at that time that this was an individual decision - if Dad wanted to be cremated, that was his choice and therefore, okay with me.

At the time of his funeral in November, I became very thankful for this decision. I don’t think I would have been able to see him in a coffin. And I believe I might have just totally lost it if I had had to watch that coffin being lowered into the ground.

As time has moved on, however, I have at times now wished I had a place to go “visit” Dad - a place to try to connect with him somehow. But this summer, it dawned on me - I have that place every time I step into my backyard. I love to garden, to work in the yard, to plant and work in the soil. This love has been passed on to me by my dad and was passed onto him by his mother (this love also comes from my mother and her grandmother). I have several very tangible connections growing in my yard every year, growing from seeds that I received from Dad.

One is my morning glories (I was wrong, Janet, I have morning glories not moon flowers!). They are just now starting to climb the trellis but will soon take over this entire space and produce pretty purple flowers every morning:

Also making a comeback every year is my hearty hisbiscus, which again, I grew from seeds from Dad - from his hibiscus. It too is getting ready to bloom:

This is what  I will soon see (pic from last summer):

Dad always grew a mass of sunflowers along one part of his fence on the side of his house. Frequently, my boys helped him plant his seeds when we would go visit and then they would get to see the fruits of their labor:

So last year, I planted a few seeds and got 3 big sunflowers. This year we have at least doubled the amount we planted and have started calling them our Papa flowers:

Another feature in my Dad’s yard that they boys loved was a flat birdfeeder he made himself. They helped him fill this feeder up everytime we went to visit:

Knowing how much that feeder meant to all of us, my precious husband made us one this winter for our yard. He found some wood scraps of my dad’s (he was also a woodworker) in his shop and made me this….I am so very, very grateful to have it:

So as I am out there watering, I think a lot about Dad. I think of the times growing up when we would wonder where Dad went, only to find him watering the plants outside. I think of how I would call him to ask him what was wrong with this plant or another in my yard. I think of all that he could have taught my boys about planting and growing things. And I think about how thankful I am for the seeds he has planted in our lives.

I felt it coming last Monday when the air-conditioning-fix-it man quoted us how much it would cost to fix our a/c. It started with that figure and quickly oozed its way through out my being. It reminded me how hard we have been working at getting rid of our credit card debt and how paying for this repair would bring our debt amount close to where it originally was. It reminded me how I want to take the kids on a vacation and how we probably won’t be able to do a big trip yet again. It reminded me that I want a bigger house and how far into the future that will likely be.

It is my “demon” of “I will never have enough.”

It has haunted me most of my adult life. While I have experienced freedom in other areas of my life over the years, this is one area that my spiritual enemy seems to win at constantly…a lot. I quickly decide that, though God has provided for us over and over again, I just don’t have enough. And I say things like “I guess we are just one of those families that will never have much money.” Or like I told a friend on Saturday, “I just get so tired of worry about finances.” I let expenses like fixing the a/c quickly cloud over ways God has blessed us…a lot.

Fortunately, He is helping me become aware of my negative thought patterns more quickly than I have in my past. He isn’t allowing me to wallow in the muck and the mire as long because I am sure He is sick of it - and so am I, for that matter! So my pity-party began to disintegrate on Saturday - with a Disney movie, of all things! Our family went to see “Up” (at the cheap matinee at Tinseltown, btw!). I highly recommend it. Without giving too much away, the movie basically speaks about things being just things, and about how sometimes you have to let go of certain things to form a new way of life and new relationships.

Sunday community at Skyline basically continued to seep this theme into my being. We are working through the book of Luke. The message was on the temptation of Jesus and then looking at what the enemy uses to tempt each of us. Good grief! Really, God??? I was just settling in with a cold drink and my own balloon here at my precious pity-party and you come along pop it! The worship leader told a story - which I don’t remember all of the details - about how 2 friends where on a third friend’s yacht. And one of them says to the other, “Can you imagine having this much money?” The other friend replies. “No, but I have something he will never have…enough.”

“So, my dear children, don’t let anyone divert you from the truth. It’s the person who acts right who is right, just as we see it lived out in our righteous Messiah. Those who make a practice of sin are straight from the Devil, the pioneer in the practice of sin. The Son of God entered the scene to abolish the Devil’s ways.”
1 John 3:7-8 from The Message

So enough is enough!

I have more than enough.

“My grace is enough; it’s all you need.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

Warning: This post contains an insane amount of photos!

My Cooperman turned 8 last week! I can’t believe it! Of course, I said that last year when he turned 7….and probably the year before that…and likely the year before that…

The punk had a week-long celebration! It started the weekend before his birthday because we had family in town. Nan, Grandma, Uncle Chad, Aunt Amy, and Cousins Jack & Sydney helped us celebrate at Flat Tire Burgers - very fun and very yummy! The funnest part was the s’more tray…

These boys have so much fun together…

And this girl is just so stinkin’ cute!

Then my mom, grandma, Cooper and I headed downtown to see the Lion King on stage. This was Cooper’s first experience at a big time theatrical production, and I loved sharing it with him. We both laughed, we both cried, and had an amazing time! He loved it!

On his actual birthday, our little fam met Gamma & Buddy at Incredible Pizza, which if you ask me, is not that incredible any more. But of course The Boys love it! They had a good time playing mini-golf, mini-bowling, and driving the cars - Coop is big time now and gets to drive by himself!

THEN, the weekend after his birthday, we had a party with his friends. It was a Lego-themed party at Martin Park Nature Center. Did you know they do not make Lego party supplies?? So we did our own. Cooper and his dad made the invitations with this photo of their creation…

I set up a scavenger hunt through the trails at the nature center. They had to find 13 clues along the way. Attached to each clue was a bag of Legos which we had planned to use for a building activity after the hike but we ran out of time. One reason we ran out of time was because we got a late start. Want to know why we got a late start? Because one of Cooper’s best buds tripped and split his head open! On my watch!!! He had to get 3 stitches!!! I couldn’t believe it. So after shaking off feeling like a complete schmuck, we were on our way…

Then Cooper had seen some photos online of Lego-shaped cakes people had made and wondered if we could try one! Ugh! I do not bake! But I do love my boy…just please don’t look too close at the cake!

Cooper, you are a kind, intelligent, and fun kiddo! You have the biggest heart for your family, for your friends, and for God. I am so proud of the choices you make and the example you set for others. You constantly impress people with the way you pay attention to the needs of others. Baby, I am THRILLED to be your momma. You are and will always be a constant joy! Happy #8!

Today I am 36 and a half.

Today marks 6 months that my dad has been gone.

Since April, my husband’s grandpa and my grandpa have passed away.

Grief is an interesting thing.

I have learned that no one experiences it the same. But it is something that, if it happens in your life, needs to be experienced. Some people choose to ignore it. Some people bind themselves to it. Possibly somewhere in the middle of those is best…but hard to find - or at least hard to maintain. To not let it define you - but yet it is a defining moment. And I thought I would have more to say but…

today that is all I know to say.

Miss you, Daddy.

I told my husband today that sometime I can’t believe I am actually a mom but that most times I can’t imagine NOT being a mom. My “momminess” is tied to most everything I do - the laundry, the grocery shopping, the cooking, the packing lunches, the volunteer hours at the school, the practices and games, the wii I play, where we go out to eat, what time I get to bed, what errands I will run today, how much house cleaning I will accomplish, my conversations with friends and family, the photos I take, how many hours to work, where we live so we can be in a good school district, the things I pray about, the things I search scripture for, the friends I have, the birthday party planning….all of these are tied to my role of “Mom”.

But oh-for-the-love-of-all-that-is-my-life, I would NOT ever, ever, EVER trade it. People have tried over and over to put into words the feelings that come with motherhood - but you just can’t. How do you explain why tears come to your eyes when you are just watching them play? How do you express the anxiety of them being out of your care for even a minute? How do you tell them that if you did not have them, you would not be whole?

This journey of motherhood is a gift. A gift that just keeps on giving. May I encourage all moms to not loose sight of that. Even when you are more than tired, even when you want to scratch out your eyeballs in frustration, even when you wish that you could ship them to Grandma’s house…it is all worth it, so very WORTH it.

We had an amazing service at our church this morning. It began with the older kids leading us in worship and ended with all kids, ages 3 and up, singing about how deep and wide and high is the love of Christ…and the love of moms.

But instead of a pastor giving the “message” today, it was 3 moms/grandmas who gave us the message. The things I took away from what they had to say was to not make your kids be you, let them be all that God created them to be and, from time-to-time, enter into their world (this is why I play wii!). And surround yourself with people that will pray for you and your family. Be in a ladies Bible study (something I really need to do again). God knew what kind of mom your kids needed and He picked you. So stop expecting so much from yourself. What your kids need is YOU.

So today may you say with great pride, I am a Mom. Happy Mother’s Day!

Warning: If you are squeamish or easily grossed out, back away slowly from this post. You have been warned.

In May of last year, we gave My Oldest a Leopard Gecko for his birthday (see last year’s post). I am here to tell ya that this is the greatest pet ever! She doesn’t smell, she isn’t noisy, she doesn’t make a mess, and you can leave her with a bunch of crickets in her cage and she’ll be fine while you go away on vacation! I was going to say “she doesn’t shed”, but we realized this morning that that just ain’t true! So here it comes….

We woke this morning to find Patty the Gecko shedding her skin - and we were all fascinated to watch her at work. The whole process hardly took her any time at all. We think she began by rubbing her head against the rocks in her cage….

Once the old skin was below her neck, she began to grap hold of it with her mouth and basically pull it off!

But the kind of gross part is, that as she pulled it off…she ate it!!

See, I told ya she doesn’t make messes!

Seriously though, it was pretty cool to watch! And she really is a great pet. She has been to school and was so calm while a bunch of Pre-K and 1st Grade students petted and held her. I don’t really like messin’ with the crickets though (which we buy weekly from a local pet store). However, it is fun to watch her hunt one down and munch on it. Advice we received when we were gecko shopping is to buy a one that is around 2 years old - that way, it isn’t that skiddish. We can hold Patty and not even worry that she might dart off.

So again, I highly recommend a Leopard Gecko. And Patty, your new skin is just gore-jus!

Today, unbeknownst to this guy, was “Nerd Day” at school. God love him!

From where I am
From where I’ve been
He’s been there with me
He’s built a monument
-from David Crowder Band’s “O Praise Him”

Because of my perfectionistic tendencies, I tend to get overwhelmed easily. Not being able to be at least “decent” at all the things I want to accomplish in my life makes me just shut down some of those things in my life. SO, when I was approached at work as being Acting Executive Director for a period of at least 60 days, I shut down the blogging. I was only able to focus on work and the priorities of my household -and even then, I probably didn’t do those as well as I would have liked!

And of course there was always the “well, no one would miss this blog anyway so why bother” aspect. I do thank you, girls (and my precious hubs), for the comments saying you were still around! But again, I am back at blogging because…well…I would miss this blog! And yes, Hope, because I just finished planting flowers for this Spring, I have to post some pics somewhere!

So for the 5 weeks I worked almost full-time, let me just say that….I HAVE NO IDEA HOW FULL-TIME, ALL-THE-TIME WORKING MOMS DO THAT!! You are amazing! Though I do think I will be one of those moms again in the not-too-distant future, I applaud those of you who give yourselves to a job and to your kids and to your house and to your friends etc etc - and do so with grace and dignity. A mom-ument must surely be built in your name!

Working full-time was both fulfilling and draining. The opportunity took me completely by surprise and I felt honored to be considered. Once again, God answered prayers in my life in an unexpected way. I had begun to feel a little discontent in life, like I could be, or should be, doing more. Plus, we have some credit card debt hanging over our heads that I was seeing NO way to make a good dent in. God answered both of those through this temporary position, and I am humbly amazed at His goodness, once again.

I am proud of were I work, the people I work with, and the ways we serve others. Being in a leadership position gave me an even greater feeling of ownership of the place. We had a great response to our Open House and a positive annual United Way site visit. Thanks to my hubs, we finally have a website so check us out! Beginning this week, I go back to my 11-12 hours a week - and it feels odd. But it also feels good. Feels good to have some time to myself, time to blog, and time to work in my flowerbeds!

….that I might start blogging again. Anyone still out there???

This day started with this:
“This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

Somewhere in the middle, came this:

“Love other people as well as you do yourself. You can’t go wrong when you love others. When you add up everything in the law code, the sum total is love.” Romans 13:8

Also came the understanding that I am who I am for a reason, for His purpose. My passions and giftings are needed. I no longer want to feel bad about that nor do I want to defend it. Doubts still tend to come, but not until recently have I felt the freedom to be completely who I am without regret. I’m sure this sounds like a dramatization but, on this day, for me it is a realization.

A new chapter in my life is on the horizon. A clear picture is not yet available. And sometimes in the waiting comes the doubts. Blessedly, I have people who believe in me. They encourage me to see the possibilities, to believe in my worth. More than that, I have the dawning of the truth that my worth lies in being His creation.

And so on this day, the sun sets with this:

^16-20Because of this decision we don’t evaluate people by what they have or how they look. We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don’t look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We’re Christ’s representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them. We’re speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he’s already a friend with you. (1 Corinthians 5, from The Message)

And physically appeared like this: